There have been a few.

1. I received a scholarship for college right out of high school for journalism. I always wanted to write, to be a reporter, be a broadcast journalist...travel the world and write about what I saw, the people I met, the foods I tried. Maybe I would try my hand at working for a magazine, writing more entertainment-style articles versus news. Maybe I would write a novel someday (blogging had not yet been invented). I loved to write. I still do. 

Then my circumstances at home changed drastically, and not for the better. I had to work full-time while attending college. The option to stay home and go to school full-time vanished. I lost my scholarship funding while I struggled to pass classes and pay bills, could not commit the hours mandatory to the college's newspaper, which was a part of my scholarship requirements, and in the end, even made the difficult choice to change my major. I graduated almost three years later with my Associate's in elementary education, with an emphasis on special ed. Little did I know then that, more than ten years later, I would have Jeremiah and he would be diagnosed with autism.

2. After a change in pastors and direction, the church that we attended as a family for 23 years began to disintegrate right before our very eyes. It was devastating to say the least. One by one, families walked away. Children's and youth ministries became obsolete, as did women's ministry opportunities. Even all outgoing missions were canceled, shut down, frowned upon. We knew it was time to walk away as well, but the change was so scary, so hard. We had never been anywhere else. We became Christians in this church, our babies were conceived, born, dedicated, and baptized while we were members there. It was all we knew. We were all plugged in, serving, settled, comfortable.

Then God pulled the rug out from under us there and, after much prayer and many growing pains through the inevitability that is change, we landed at out new church home...where they had been praying about and in the infancy stages of beginning a separate but inclusive ESE children's ministry and were looking for a coordinator. Imagine that. Next to homeschooling/homemaking, it has turned out to be one of the most fulfilling roles of my life. And going back to my college circumstances, one I would not have been qualified for had I not changed majors as a result of much disappointment.

3. Then there's Jeremiah. Oh the ways I have grown and morphed, and God has transformed me as a result of being that boy's mother! I think each of us in this house can say that in relation to having Jeremiah as a child or sibling. It hasn't always been easy. Actually, it's never been easy. It hasn't always been joyful, pain-free, fun, or an adventure. Many years have been wrought with sleepless nights, crying in the shower, nursing broken dreams and bruised bodies, missed opportunities, and I am ashamed to admit, a coctail of anger, resentment, and bitterness.

But in and through it all, I can honestly say, I never once questioned the sovereignty of God. I always knew He was on His throne, in control of it all, and that nothing that ever happened to us was outside of his jurisdiction or authority. I have my former pastor and his wife being faithful disciplers to me to thank for that.

I may have wondered about the reality and truth behind Scriptures like Romans 8:28 and Jeremiah 29:11 at times though. How could having to pull the car over to keep from getting into an accident while I am being assaulted physically and verbally by a child in full meltdown mode work together with everything else that was going on in my life for my good? If God's plans were not to harm me and for a future and a hope, then how could He explain the 9-1-1 phone calls we made begging authorities to Baker Act our son just so we could get a respite from him and the autism? Sheesh, for that matter, and more simply stated, how could He explain puberty?!

But then you get perspective. Oh the gift of perspective! God brings you through to the other side of a circumstance and allows you just a glimpse of things from His point of view. He allows you an opportunity to work alongside Him and  re-frame your hurts and disappointments. 

Re-framing a picture requires patience, gentle hands, and the skill of being precise. You can't even begin the process until you have a new frame to transfer the picture into.

You have to be patient while you search for a frame that will fit your picture perfectly. In the meantime, every day that you see it hanging on the wall, you long for that new frame to be found and envision what it will look like once you find it. You can almost feel your fingers running across the smooth, unsplintered edges of the new frame. It's hanging straight and secure from it's hook attached firmly to its back. You squint, imagining the glare of the light off the shiny new, streak-free glass. You randomly check resale shops, thrift stores, flea markets, garage sales, and even your neighbors' trash at the curb after they spring clean...all hoping for that unveiled treasure you know is out there just waiting to be discovered.

Finally, you find your frame. It's perfect. You could not have ordered one made specifically to fit your picture more beautiful than this frame. Now it's time to extract the picture from its old worn frame and transfer it to your new one.

You carefully flip the old frame over on your lap, gently prying up the prongs on the back of it to release your picture from the dilapidated home that once was good enough to care for it. You have to be careful and gentle because the frame is old, worn, has cracked glass, water-stained and wood rot edges. Even the hanger spins aimlessly on the back, its glue disintegrated to the point that it can no longer serve its purpose to display the picture proudly on your wall.

Finally, you free the picture from its old home. You remove it ever so gently from the frame so as not to scrape it along the rough edges or sharp fractured glass on its way out. You can re-frame a picture, but you're no artist and you know you are not qualified to re-paint the picture itself.

You cleared a section of table in front of you to lay the picture  on until the new frame has been prepared to receive it. You removed the clutter and even used a damp cloth to wipe down the table's surface, following it up with a dry lint-free towel to keep your picture from getting wet or picking up unwanted particles it will take into its new frame with it. You even washed your hands before this step in the process. With the old frame now picture-free, you replace it's backing, not quite as gently as when the picture was still in it, and you set it off to the side, now turning your attention to the new frame.

As carefully as you removed the picture from the old frame, you transition it into the new one, careful not to touch the glass inside the frame and leave your oily fingerprints behind. Happy with the positioning of the picture in the new frame, you replace its backing, secure the prongs in place, and hang it back on the wall where it once hung. You step back to admire the view. What was once an eyesore and an perceived embarrassment upon entering the hall is now the focal point and sure to be the topic of discussion for friends who come to visit, old and new.

Re-framing. It's what God wants us to do to our disappointments, our circumstances that we'd rather we didn't have to go through, question God's reasoning for, and can't see through the thick darnkess to the light that is most certainly awaiting us on the other side.

And God doesn't ask us to do the re-framing on our own. He is the Master builder after all. What's a little re-framing a picture job to Him? Easy peasy. 

God has a plan for just what He wants us to learn and how He desires to transform us in our difficulties. When we think He is taking to long to rescue us from them, He is fully aware of the exact moment He will, and how much longer our refining process needs to take our stubborn and rebellious hearts to be complete, the dross to be fully skimmed from the surface of our hearts. He only asks that we be patient. 

When He does begin the process of restoration in our lives, He does so gently, knowing that after all we have just gone through, we are fragile and frail, emotionally, mentally, and sometimes even physically. He doesn't just rip the dried blood-soaked Band-Aid off so to speak. He soaks it in some grace and mercy to loosen its edges and make the transition a smooth one for us. We may think we want Him to just snap His fingers and zap us out of our dark seasons, but He knows that we have lived in them for so long that our eyes have adjusted to the dark and it would be painful to simply flip the switch on full wattage without letting us adjust slowly to the new reality He has waiting on the other side for us. He is gentle.

God is precise. He doesn't waste one ounce of the pain He just allowed in your life to slip out of His hands as He re-frames you into your new likeness, one that resembles His Son a little more closely than the one that used to be comfortable in its old frame. He makes sure you fit in His new frame for you. But He didn't just find this frame at some half-priced noon hour yard sale. Oh no. He custom designed it just for you. He fired and melted the sand particles to make the very glass He encloses you in now. He sanded the frame and crafted the prongs of His love that will hold you securely in place. And He Himself is the hanger that will hold you in this new place, even as this frame will also begin to age and show signs of wear and ultimately decompose. Why? Because re-framing is not a once-and-for-all process. It is a continual transformation into something more beautiful, more Christlike, more usable and moldable and God-glorifying.

And remember that old frame that, once the picture was removed from it, we set it off to the side? We didn't throw it away. Neither does God discard of the old frames He so gently removes us from, no matter how dilapidated they may be. They serve a purpose. They remind us of how far we have come and how far we have yet to go. They have a perspective purpose in God's Kingdom. Keep them. Don't wish them away or try to forget them or block them out.

I said earlier that we work alongside Jesus as He re-frames our hurts and disappointments. I just told you what it takes to re-frame a picture and God's role in re-framing ours. So what is our role? What is our job in all of this? Simply put, it's faith and trust. We trust in our Master builder and put our unabondoned and unhibited faith in Him to make beauty from ashes (Isa. 61:3), to restore the years the locusts have devoured (Joel 2:25), and to transform us into a new creation through the process of sanctification (Romans 6-8). We trust. We have faith. And when God beckons us over with his wagging index finger and wait-til-you-see-what-I-have-for-you smirk on His face to the telescope of perspective aimed His purposes and plans for us, we take a peek. Then we obey whatever He asks of us on the path to those purposes and plans, no matter how far away they actually are in light of the magnification of His telescope.

The years between 13 and 16 were some of the hardest and darkest years of my life with Jeremiah. Puberty was hard on him, on all of us. I can still look around and see evidence of its effects...a patched hole in the wall where his foot went through, a reset diamond on my wedding ring after a stainless steel mug shattered the original setting, a medicine cabinet full of antipsychotics and antidepressants that never worked and still need to be disposed of. There are even emotional remnants, feelings of fear and dread that another similar and even more devastating season of darkness lies ahead as we enter adulthood with him. It's a daily battle to give them to my God who has always been faithful to carry them for me when I let Him.

BUT...PERSPECTIVE!

• Had we not gone through those formidable four years, we would not have received the diagnosis we did when we did that, once he was properly treated for, resulted in much anticipated and longed for peace for our family.
• One of my nieghbors might not have felt comfortable reaching out to me for help with her daughter who is struggling with anxiety, depression, and middle-school hormones.
• I would not be able to wrap my arms around another neighbor with a son on the spectrum smack dab in the middle of puberty and tell her, with all blessed assurance as a sojourner, that this too shall pass.
• I would not have taken the professional crisis management class to learn holds, defense techniques, and transportation procedures for people in crisis situations to keep Jeremiah from hurting himself and others.
  • Had I not taken the PCM class, I would not have heard about the roles of RBT's...registered behavior technicians. 
  • Had I not heard about RBT's, I may not have recognized the God-given desire to become one. And prayerfully, God will use the perspective He has given me as Jeremiah's mom and autism and puberty survivor to empathize with other parents still bumping into the walls of darkness looking for a hand to guide them in the direction of the only source of Light.

Trust the process. Have faith in the Processor. Re-frame your perspective. Be still and know that He is God.

It has been a very long time since I posted anything about Jeremiah. That's because it has been a very unpredictable time for him and I wasn't entirely sure about what to post. 

Anyone who knows me well, knows I do NOT like change...period! I am getting better, be it ever so slowly (slower than a bead of sweat rolls off an Eskimo's nose in winter).

We had been in prayer about Jeremiah's school situation for over a year when we began to seriously consider other placements for him. Read the article I published with Autism Parenting Magazine titled, When Special Education Fails to Be Special (Issue 81) for a glimpse at some hints  about why we were looking for a new school in the first place. It had become a necessity, not optional.

We applied at two schools. One put us on a waiting list that could see Jeremiah well past the age of 22 before he ever won that lottery. One school, after reading his ABA report said, "Thanks, but no thanks." Looking back, I can see God's hand in these closed doors, as they were charter or public school options and Jeremiah would not have been allowed to have his one-on-one ABA with him...a sure recipe for disaster.

We had pretty much resigned to another year of his current placement when we were in line at Dairy Queen for the end-of-season ice cream party for Buddy Baseball. I was talking to another player's mom and we were commiserating about the perils of special needs and puberty in our sons. She mentioned how blessed and thankful they were for his school. My ears perked up. After more conversation, I went home, looked up the school online, and talked it over with John. We prayed for a week or two and then decided to apply.

Broach School is run by Children's Education Services, a Christian education provider. The principal called me the week before Thanksgiving break and set up a time to speak with John and I. She was gracious, kind, sympathetic to our plight to find the best possible education for Jeremiah in the time he has left in school, and super informative. She didn't sugar coat things and didn't try to sell us the moon. She simply said that Jeremiah would learn and be loved at her school. She offered to let him shadow for one whole day before the holiday break and we agreed.

After that day spent in a classroom with his ABA (who wholeheartedly approved of the new school) and surrounded by peers closer to his age and ability, we made the decision to switch schools, but wait until after the Christmas break to do so. We knew the transition would be easier that way and it worked out best for his McKay scholarship so that the new school would not have to rely on the old school to send them funds for part of that last quarter.

Still, it was a hard decision, not made lightly or without much prayer, and ultimately, only time would tell if we had truly made the right decision or not. And, as is my obsessive-compulsive, leave-no-stone-unturned way, I made a physical list of the pros and cons of switching schools so that I could see in black and white what my heart already knew what was the best choice for Jeremiah...notice I didn't say the comfortable choice for me! Giving our notice to the old school and answering all of the questions as to why we were relocating him was most uncomfortable.

Here is my list:

Former School:
Pros:

• Garden – However, Jeremiah has not done any actual gardening in the garden since his first year there. Gardening was supposed to be each class’s science. The last two years, no gardening has happened at all.
• Sensory Gym – Jeremiah needed and loved this his first two years. Now he is simply too big for it and it is unstructured time that tempts him to misbehave.
• Better technology and newer/more updated building/classrooms/playground – nice paint on walls, flat screen TV’s in all of the rooms, new carpet, etc…
• Close to home – about 7 minutes away.
• Lunch Service – Though at $5/day, we only order once a week for Jeremiah anyway. He packs his lunch the rest of the week.
• Calm down room – admittedly, Jeremiah has had to frequent this room often.
• Community-based training for older kids.
• School run by two families with special needs kids of their own.
• On-site speech therapy.

 Cons:

• Approximately 3 hours of unstructured time daily – leftover elective time, task box time, sensory gym time, recess, quiet time, time spent waiting for other kids to have PCM implemented or teacher to regain control of the classroom due to behavioral issues, movie times on Fridays.
• Most classmates are non-verbal and so there are no peers that Jeremiah can learn/practice social cues from/with (eye contact, conversation skills, etc…)
• Neither teacher nor aide are licensed teachers with college education in special needs education. This year’s teacher is a parent of a student at the south Tampa campus. Last year’s teacher was principal’s brother-in-law.
• No continuity of teachers – though Jerry has for the most part stayed with the same kids/class from year to year, including the two teachers who filled in one year when one of his teachers resigned/was let go early, he has had 6 different teachers in 3 ½ years (Jessica, Tiffany N., other Ms. Tiffany, Gaby, Paul, Edward).
• No standardized testing or other testing of any kind to assess where students are or the progress they have made – though tuition package includes $500 for testing.
• When originally toured the school, we were shown classrooms specifically set aside for life skills, such as folding clothes, putting away and hanging clothes, dishes, bed-making, etc… Those rooms have long since been emptied to make room for more students.
• Was told the goal was to keep the student population at no more than 50 or so students to maintain small class size and low-student:teacher ratios. Currently nearly 100 students in the building, along with more than twenty staff when you consider administration, teachers, paraprofessionals, and ABA/speech/physical therapists.
• Car line…need I say more.
• $17,000 tuition – over and above what McKay pays for Jeremiah and so we have had to pay out-of-pocket.
• Two bathrooms with a total of three toilets in the building for approximately 130 people, some of whom are kids not toilet trained or who have very little control over urges to relieve themselves. Clear violation of OSHA regulations/standards. Parents told to send change of clothes to school daily in case of accidents.
• Parents not communicated with regularly on what kids are learning in class on a weekly/daily basis. Haven’t had a parent/teacher conference for Jeremiah since year two.
• Everyone is on a certificate track. There is no differentiation between the lower and higher functioning kids by classroom.
• School less than five-years-old…still growing and learning and working the kinks out.
• $500 curriculum fee per student. Approximate cost per classroom for Unique Learning Systems curriculum and access is $600-$700.  Times the $500 curriculum fee by ten students in the classroom and the fact that we are all asked to provide reams of paper to print the curriculum on and we are being grossly overcharged for curriculum.
• Jerry has been there 3 ½ years and he is still working towards meeting the same IEP goals from 2015.

Both Schools:

• Private and accept McKay Scholarship.
• Unique Learning Systems curriculum used.
• No structured P.E., art, or music…other than crafts in the classroom and playground time.
• Volunteer hours mandatory – I am the Box Top momma!
• Pizza day every Friday.
• Can have one-on-one ABA with him daily.
• Active PTO.
• Teachers PCM trained.
• Field trips and fun events at school/in class.
• Life skills training is a part of the daily curriculum.

New School:
Pros:

• $5,000 less tuition totally covered by Jeremiah’s McKay Scholarship and so extra is being applied to bus fare so…
• NO CAR LINE! Also, taking the bus from door-to-door saves me time and gas and promotes independence for Jeremiah.
• Community-based training for older kids.
• More run like typical school in the sense that they elect student body positions and really give the kids a say in “extras” at the school.
• Uniforms – no more school clothes shopping and everyone is on the same page!
• Classmates are all verbal and so there are peers that Jeremiah can learn/practice social cues from/with (eye contact, conversation skills, etc…)
• Teachers are all licensed teachers with college educations in special needs education. Most also have ABA background.
• Continuity of teachers – met the lead teacher who stated that she would “never want to work anywhere else.” That is the sign of a healthy school!
• Standardized testing three times a year to assess where students are or the progress they have made – done verbally for non-readers.
• Independence of students encouraged. They walk to the lunchroom with their lunches unsupervised and are allowed to go to the restroom unattended.
• Small student population – definitely under 100 students for small class size and low-student:teacher ratios.
• Ample bathrooms to accommodate number of students/staff.
• Parents given access to a communication app where they can login to student’s classroom and see daily notes/updates from teacher on what class is working on and how their student is doing.
• App students with phones or iPads can access to answer teacher questions and play learning games that boost their grades and record for the teachers their response times to questions and give them a more accurate indicator of where they are. Laptops and iPads available for students who don’t have their own.
• There are three tracks for the kids to be on, regardless of elementary, middle school, or high school. There is high school diploma track, certificate track, and life skills track, each tailored to meet the individual needs of students.
• Children’s Educational Services runs the 7 schools statewide and they have been around since 2009.
• Christian-based – They teach character as a part of their curriculum.
• Develop sports teams and arrange games between different CES schools in the state.
• Only unstructured time is approximately 20 minutes at the end of the day to pack up and get ready to go home.
• Statistically, students that begin attending this school behind “catch up” to where they need to be or at least make significant progress by the end of the first year.
• Each child is given their own login to Unique Learning Systems where curriculum tailored to their level is available. They actually complete a portion of their daily work online. Teacher also prints worksheets from their profile to match their level. Whole class may be covering kinetic and potential energy in science, but each child in the class is taught it on their level so they can understand it.
• They teach ASL the last hour of every day to all of the students.

 Cons:

• Further away – but this was already resolved with the pro of him taking the bus.
• Campus/classrooms/playground older and not as up-to-date.

So there you have it, a sneak peak inside my crazy train brain! But making this list helped me see things objectively, from a good perspective, and not through the lens of my emotions. Jeremiah had been at his old school for three years. He had friends there. He was comfortable and knew the routine there. They had seen him through some pretty rough years between puberty and his superior mesenteric artery syndrome. 

But when it came right down to it, Jeremiah goes to school to learn. Period. And when learning is not taking place and regression is even occurring, you have to make decisions that may make people uncomfortable, hurt feelings, and even offend others. But doing what's best for Jeremiah has got to be my only objective as his mom and advocate.

He has been at Broach for four months now and, while the suspense may be killing you, I am going to make you wait until the end of this school year to update you on his progress at the new school. Hint: There is so much to share!